Vatican AI Confessionals

Whistleblower Reveals Extensive Use of AI by Vatican

SIN Report #27

Vatican Use of Enhanced Artificial Intelligence

An anonymous source from the Vatican Dicastery for Communication has just verified that the Catholic Church has been secretly employing AI technology since the early 2000s. Allegedly, the Church’s embrace of AI came in response to Traditionalist demands for more rigorous confessional protocols.

“People were fed up with spineless confessors,” says Monsignor Paolo Puzzolente, the creator of Ego Te Absolvo, an online app that is gaining popularity among conservative Catholics. Subscribers to Ego Te are able to choose a confessor from hundreds of AI priest-bots, all programmed to administer suitably-severe penances drawn from Curia-approved Penitentials (Medieval manuals matching penances to specific sins and sinners). The app uses proprietary algorithms to sift through massive amounts of data, correlating sins, penances, degrees of intentionality, and emerging social depravities.

“A monthly subscription entitles you to confess as often as you want,” Puzzolente says, “and you’re guaranteed a stiff penance every time. No more Our Fathers and Hail Marys.”

The Ego Te app brings an added bonus according to Puzzolente: “Rome is now finally able to monetize the sacrament of Confession, something we’ve been attempting to do for the last sixteen hundred years.”